I can't believe rainy days have the power to ignite my deeper emotions. To think I'm not comfortable with rain... But I guess, that's the reason why. Rain makes me pour words out, too.
(warning: unedited: watch out for grammar bumps)
I think I have already expressed my love for writing romance novels in a post here somewhere, especially about how it changed my life. Like a passionate teenager, I declared my undying devotion to writing and my intention to live my life as a writer. It felt like nothing can stand in this blooming love affair of mine.
But like an inexperienced teenager, my recklessness and naivety came to judge me.
No, I did not fall out of love with writing. I currently don't have the strength to resist its allure. In fact, I think I came to love it more than ever. Too much love that it forced me to take that step and accept that it's finally time to make a decision. Something I had to do if I really wanted to put into writing a genuine piece of my soul and at the same time live—as a fangirl, an independent woman, a traveler, a lover, a mother, a dependable child, etc—in the future.
Love is not selfish, even when it comes to myself. As I came to understand that, the gears that had been stuck for some time began moving...
***
It's not a secret that I write slow. Four published books in the span of two years... Man, that's nothing compared to what most of my peers sweat out in a month. I'd like to ask permission to enumerate excuses to save my pathetic lazy ass, but I know it wouldn't mean a thing to any of you, guys. I know it's not about speed, but I badly want to put out these stories and characters (*coughs* heroes that would probably get HOTTER with each novel *coughs*) on print and share it to you, guys. I mean, I don't know... I think I really am a perfectionist. Or specifically, a frustrated perfectionist, one whose idea of perfection is a chronic hesitation to start/finish something in fear of not producing a perfect creation.
*long silence with occasional cricket chirping as you digest that*
I don't know if that absurd condition has a name, or if it's a psychological disorder (god, I hope not), but that's my reality. Howevaaaaah... fear not, because I'm always searching for ways to battle my weaknesses. I won over it FOUR times—you've seen, or read, the proofs—and I plan to win more. So, with the arrival of an important turning point in my life, I am applying a different strategy.
First, let me admit to you guys that I haven't written in weeks. *slap me, my cheeks are ready* The last time I faced the manuscript I've been editing (for forever) was at the first week of classes. Yes, I'm continuing my studies. I, who just a few months back was professing my never ending loyalty to writing, jumped at the first offer of a chance at a "more stable" life. But you know, I wasn't ashamed or regretful of my choice. Why?
It all begun from a shot of inspiration from an unexpected source. I really believe that the answers and solutions to my life's dilemmas are given to me by the Universe—like a flower who doesn't worry about blooming in spring and feeling the sunlight and raindrops on its petals once again, I endured, held my head up high in breathless anticipation. As long as my mind is open to the possibilities and opportunities, as long as I am able to put my ego aside when I need to and focus on what really benefits me as a person, I am able to recognize those answers and solutions. So when I heard this Filipina artist talking about being grateful that music, her first love, was not her bread and butter, I knew I found my answer.
***
I'm telling you, guys, choosing between writing and studying again to finish my degree kept me awake for nights. It felt like I had to let go of one, when I knew I wanted both. I needed both. I couldn't imagine myself without those two loves of my life. But unlike an exclusive romantic relationship, I realized that, hey, I could marry both!
Problem solved.
How?, you might ask. I'm not a multitasker so I know I had to prioritize my studies first. I know writing would come later, when I have time. But you know what, that's exactly what I needed: to write without the unnecessary pressures brought by prolificity, fame, or fortune (yeah, I know the latter will possibly remain an illusion, but a writer has the license to dream, got that?). Professional writers write to earn money, too, of course. And I admire their will to persevere. But my favorite authors didn't start out as writers in the first place. They have other careers before getting into writing full time. I thought, maybe I;m that type of writer. Maybe I needed to take it slow and apply a different formula in my life, one that would actually work for me.
Suddenly, there was MORE FREEDOM in front of me. It removed half of the burden I didn't know I was carrying. I was just stubborn, but when I learned to see things as a whole, it made sense. At least with how my life was going.
So I overcame something important again and the light bulb that shone that day continued shining...
***
I think writing slow has its benefits. I was really touched by the people who talked to me through FB. I was relieved that they appreciated what I've written and how I've written it. All the crap written on this blog, if only I could personalize it and share it to you, fellow writers, I would.
But writing is personal. You can be inspired by others, by the things I say here, but in time you will be the writer that only you can be. In the meantime, maintain a wide perspective in life.
Like what Lilou said, music is just a part of her and her band mates. It's not everything no matter how you think. Don't limit yourselves. There are more things to be experienced. Life has no limitations, only those you give yourselves.
#YouOnlyLiveOnce
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